6 Ways Not To Be Used-Expanded

This is kind of an encore to a post I previously wrote called, ” 6 Ways Not To Be Used“. I want to go into more detail on each of the ways we can be used by, in particular, a man .

Believing patterns, not apologies. I”ll give you a personal example. I began to see a pattern of lying in my boyfriend, then he would apologize and try to explain it away when he got caught. We’ve all heard the the saying “actions speak louder than words”. It’s True!

Don’t fall in love with potential. As in my case, this guy was very smart, had had well paying jobs, was very loving, caring and kind. That was where I saw potential. Potential for him and what he could be and for our relationship and where it could go and how happy I thought I would be if it did. Now, the truth of the matter is, he is an unemployed, alcoholic with no job and he’s psychologically abusive when he’s drunk. People are who they are and there’s nothing we can do to change them.

Believe ALL RED FLAGS!!! Here’s a list of some of the red flags to look out for:

  1. He’s quick to get angry, yells or throws things.
  2. He complains about all his exe’s, they’re all crazy
  3. lying
  4. He’s moving too fast too soon
  5. He’s jealous
  6. He can’t stop telling you have perfect you are.
  7. He tries to drive a wedge between you and your family and friends.
  8. He calls you names in an argument
  9. No work ethic
  10. He makes you feel stupid/unworthy

Know your worth. This is one of the things that I am having to do the most work on. After a toxic, damaging relationship, it’s too easy to hold onto some of or all of the negative feelings and attitudes you have about yourself. You then carry that over into a new relationship, which inevitably dooms it to fail. We have to do some serious work on our self esteem before going into a new relationship.

Don’t lower your standards. Don’t settle for the first person that compliments you or shows you attention. Just because someone tells you that they love you doesn’t mean they are worthy of you and your love. What does your family/friends think of him? Don’t think do I deserve him, think does he deserve me!

Don’t fall too hard too fast. This is a biggie! Often with low self esteem, we tend to fall in love right away. He’s saying and doing all the right things but people are always on their best behavior in the beginning. It takes time to really fall in love with someone. You have to take the time to learn their personality, lifestyle and family dynamic. Give yourself time to really know somebody before you decide if he is worthy of being given the honor of being a part of your life.

Thank you for reading my blog! Please follow my blog and my FB page. I am currently working on getting my Pinterest site up and going. Stay strong!

Top Addiction Strategies

As you probably know, our loved ones are basically two people. They are Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. When they’re sober they are good, loving men but when they drink or get drunk, Mr. Hyde comes out and you’re dealing with someone you don’t even know or like. I’m going to list some of the top strategies addiction (which takes over their brains even when they’re sober) uses to get what it wants. Addiction doesn’t care about you, your kids or even your loved one. It will do whatever it takes to get what it wants.

  • Denial
  • Justification
  • Deception
  • Manipulation

I am going to do a separate blog post for manipulation because it is probably the most used and most effective but I’ll give a brief description of each strategy.

Denial: Addicts experience many different levels of denial, ranging from underreporting the amount they drink or use drugs to denying-even to themselves- that they have a problem.

Justification: Your loved one may offer a multitude of reasons for his drinking or using, as well as the resulting behavior. Addicts may be aware that their behavior has become unacceptable-and they may even acknowledge it at times. An example of justification could be: If an addict takes someone’s necklace to pawn for drug money, he may tell himself that the victim hadn’t worn it in years and won’t miss it.

Deception: However honest your loved one was before the addiction took hold, once he becomes an addict, deception will likely become frequent and pervasive.

Manipulation: Of all the tools addiction uses to protect itself, it’s favorite might be you. Sadly, the most commonly exploited quality is love. Addicts in rehab will tell you whom they can make cry most easily and whom they cannot approach at all. That doesn’t mean the addict doesn’t love you. It means that the addiction is wiling to protect itself by any means necessary. If there’s a way your personality, values, fears, skills, or hopes can be used toward that end, the addiction will eventually seek to expoit it.

My next post will be talking about manipulation in more detail. Once you recognize when you’re being manipulated, you can start to deal with your partner in a more informed, educated way. If you’re not currently in a relationship, recognizing maniupulation can keep you from getting involved with someone that’s just going to hurt you.

Thank you for reading my post. I hope you follow my blog and FB page to continue discussing toxic relationships and how to live with/get out/recover from them. You are strong!

A little bit about me

My name is Susan. I have lived in the Charlotte NC area all of my life. I have a brain malformation that made me have to quit work about 10 years ago. I have a grown son whom I love dearly and a yorkie name Bear. I hate cold weather and I love the beach. As I’ve said in my post, I have had 5 toxic relationships. For those of us going from one toxic relationship to another, there are things about ourselves that we need to acknowledge and heal from before we can move on to having a healthy relationship. I just want to get myself physically and mentally healthy so the rest of my life is a great life. I have done and am doing a lot of self-care to ensure that I reach my goal. This blog is another way for me to heal. If you ever need someone to talk to that is right there with you and knows exactly how you feel and what you’re going through, please feel free to reach out to me on my blog or facebook page. There is no judgement here. You are not alone. If I can encourage, support and help anyone else going through what I have been through (see my first blog), it won’t all have been in vain.